Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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