she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
