He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
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Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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