I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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