One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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