took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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