My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
