Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
