Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....