Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day