its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.