thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
