the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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