I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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