Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
