She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
