So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
