So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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