apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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