i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
