I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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