I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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