the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
