I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
