hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
