this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
