I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help