What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.