i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
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Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit