i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
