put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
