Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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