At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.