im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.