My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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