I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
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How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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