You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize