What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize