you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it