i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy