What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful