I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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