If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
God, I missed his penis.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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