hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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