I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
