So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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