i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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