Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize