what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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