In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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