I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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