i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
