Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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