when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
