if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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