true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?