Kiss
Puke
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
